As your children grow up and start lives of their own, welcoming them home makes the holidays a bit different than when they lived under your roof. In this guest post, I’m excited to share insights, experience, and tips from my fellow hope*writer Pamela Henkleman. Below, Pamela shares how she’s made space and changed rhythms for her adult children as they have grown up and married, and come back home for the holidays to join once again at the table. ~Gwendolyn

Special Guest Post by Pamela Henkleman

I was feeling a bit feisty as I devised a plan for my five picky eaters. My kids had no idea what a fabulous cook I was. While other kids were getting mac and cheese from a box, I was cooking delicious homemade grub, but they always had an opinion about it. One didn’t like onions. He asked if I put onions in every dish. Of course, I did! Onions are necessary to build good flavor. I was frustrated with their complaints. For heaven's sake, a lot of kids had parents who didn’t cook. I was going to show them how good they had it.

We gathered our five kids for dinner and I set the pasta casserole in the middle of the table, steam rising from the surface. “What’s this mom?” asked one of the kids. With all the composure I could muster and a slight grin glued on my face, I said, “It’s Chicken Nasty.” I was met with wide-eyes and shock. “What, MOM?” Why would you call it that?” I calmly said, “Since you don’t ever like how my food tastes, I thought I’d make something real nasty for you.”

They got the point, and I didn’t hear them complaining about dinners anymore. Sometimes a mom just has to get creative. This tale is decades old, and now, these five kids are all adults: four have spouses and one couple has given us two grandsons. Our table of seven has grown to thirteen.

Our times in the kitchen with our adult kids are different now. None of them are picky eaters and many of them are confident cooks. My favorite experience is when they’re all gathered in the kitchen around the island, talking and laughing, as someone cooks. I love to listen to their stories.

We made sitting at the table an important family tradition, especially when they were young. There’s nothing like shared conversation and banter at the table, even if there are a few squabbles. Sitting down together communicates family is important. It got harder to do once they were running in different directions with school activities and jobs.

The holiday table is our favorite. We are bursting at the seams as we sit at the same dining table we’ve had for thirty-two years. When you look underneath you’ll find lots of drawings from when our children were young. We’ve raised a family of artists; I don’t even mind.

Thanksgiving dinner always includes an Italian Sausage Apple Stuffing and Orange Cranberry Sauce. Every family has favorite dishes and it's fun to enjoy the nostalgia of preparing them each year. There’s something about shared history that bonds a family.

We carry on the tradition of telling what we’re most thankful for the past year. Tears flow as meaningful words are shared. One year I surprised my family with a gratitude list for each of them. It was a tally of the 20 characteristics I loved about them. I typed them up and tucked them under their plates. When dessert was served, they each read the note. I thought my heart would explode. I never want to miss an opportunity to love “my people” well.

“Sharing meal prep and cooking tasks takes the pressure off mom and dad to spend all the time in the kitchen.”

— Pamela

One way to ease the stress of busy holidays, when all the kids and their families return to the nest, is to take turns cooking. When we congregate for several days, we assign days to each couple. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Each couple cooks what’s easy for them. We share a note, so everyone can see the planning, so we don’t duplicate any meals. They’re responsible for buying the groceries, cooking, and cleaning up the evening meal for the day.

Sharing meal prep and cooking tasks takes the pressure off mom and dad to spend all the time in the kitchen. Otherwise it can feel like all you do is load and unload the dishwasher. We run that baby three times a day when they’re all home. Shared responsibility is something we’ve valued.

This year, take the brave step of “letting go” and ask your grown kids to contribute. They’re competent adults now. It’s fun to watch them thrive in the kitchen and eat the fruits of their labor. You’ll feel less stressed and think of the memories you’ll create as a family. As you assemble at your table, may sweet conversation and joy be experienced by all.